Leaving The Battlefield of Love
by TheSwedishMystery
Summary: This is a sad, little look inside the heads of Alex and Paige after the disastrous episode "Battlefield of Love".


Disclaimer: I do not own the concept of _Degrassi: The Next Generation_. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.

_ There is nothing more frustrating than a badly written tv episode that breaks up your favorite couple. I wanted to write a story that deals with the aftermath from Alex and Paige's point of view while trying to stay somewhat in canon of Degrassi. A **BIG** thanks goes to Mediatorsk who has helped me with **A LOT** with the grammar and language in one. She is simply the best beta in the world :-)_

Chapter 1. – Alex 

Eight hours ago I had something that you could call a life. Eight hours ago the love of my life broke up with me and now I am homeless with nowhere to go. I have no idea of what to do or what lies ahead for me. Even though I have had to deal with uncertainty and setbacks for as long as I can remember and have grown used to it, this feels way worse than anything I have experienced before. I am totally alone.

* * *

><p>I can't say I didn't see the this breakup coming weeks before it actually happened, but I was like one of those rabbits that sits paralyzed in the middle of the road, staring into the blinding light of an approaching car, unable to move or do anything to save themselves. I knew that this day would come – the day when Paige had finally enough of me and my problems. The day came and it was fucking brutal. Even before I walked into Marco, Ellie and Paige's apartment earlier tonight, I knew that it was going to get bad. I deserved whatever was coming to me and Paige had all the right in the world to hate me for screwing up her job and life. As soon as I saw the bag on the floor, neatly packed with all my stuff, the whole situation hit me like a bucket of freezing water. All the warmth left my body in one second and I just stood there shaking, waiting for my verdict.<p>

Marco left the room without even looking at me and Paige was all sad and determined. "I think everything is in there."

I had almost hoped for some kind of nuclear explosion of biblical proportions from Paige. Instead, this was much, much worse. She wondered where I was going and I managed to come up with some stupid story about going to a relative in Ajax.

"I'm sorry. I thought it would be good for you here."

What did she mean good? It had been awful the entire time, like I was getting sucked deeper and deeper into this inescapable black hole. It was supposed to be wonderful to live together with Paige but instead I had felt like I was losing every shred of confidence I might have had.

"Yeah, but I was still alone. I lost you to a fantasy world." I didn't know if I meant her or my fantasy world when I said that. In a way I guess we both had lost ourselves to two separate fantasy worlds… her to a world of ambition and me to a world of denial.

"This is the right thing to do. But it still hurts." She said it with her sad voice but to me she looked relieved and I was trying not to shake in front of her from the cold panic inside of me. I think I said something stupid before I left her but now I can't remember what it was.

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><p>After leaving Paige's apartment, I walked around the city for hours. The thoughts were tumbling around in my head and everything was in a blur. All I wanted was to find a little corner somewhere to curl up and cry, but that is the problem with being homeless – no corners, no warm beds, no roof over your head when it rains or feeling of safety to rely upon in situations like these. Somehow I ended up in the Ravine where I am sitting right now waiting for the sun to go up. It is freezing cold.<p>

Walking aimlessly without a place to go while it is freezing is not a totally unfamiliar situation. I can't count the nights when I had to sleep in the streets because of an unbearable situation at home and a lack of beds in the women's shelter. It's like the time when I was eleven and Cole, one of mom's boyfriends threw us out of our apartment and we had to live in mom's car for two months. I was so scared that someone at school would find out and got so stressed out that I couldn't concentrate on anything. I got into so many fights at school around that time that they eventually transferred me to Degrassi because my old school wouldn't have me anymore. At Degrassi there was Paige…

I love Paige but I am also very aware that we were too different. We wanted different things, we came from different lives - we were worlds apart. Sometimes I suspect I loved Paige because of what she was - the popular, ambitious cheerleader at school with wealthy, caring parents and a lot of friends. She was the girl who had it all. Carla, the college girl who I dated briefly when Paige and I were taking a break was the same - beautiful, ambitious and very preppy. So I guess you could say I have a type when it comes to women…

Before I met Paige, I really never gave my grades or my future a thought. The general consensus around me was that I was a hopeless case. And then Paige came into my life and she looked at me differently and it felt wonderful. But it was also terrifying because she expected me to be like her and rise to her level of ambition. She once said she didn't want her friends to be losers and that sentence hurt me really bad for some reason. Like a warning for me to not become more of a loser than I already was. So for her I tried hard to not be a loser. It was tough because most of the time I had no clue of how to be around Paige and her family and friends – they belonged to a world of stability, with parents who grounded them if they didn't do their homework and taught them how to behave properly around people. My mom didn't even know the concept of homework or grounding your kid if they got bad grades or did something stupid like getting into fights all the time. Sometimes it felt like I had been brought up by animals in the jungle compared to my girlfriend and her friends. But there were some magic moments during our relationship when I felt golden – as if I could be like them, that there was hope for someone like me. I let everyone down, especially her.

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><p>In hindsight it was almost like I provoked Paige to throw me out on the street. She let me live with her after my big fight with mom and her boyfriend Chad, and I turned into this needy, helpless and pathetic person who was dragging her down. I screwed up so bad she almost lost the job she had worked so hard to get. To tell the truth I kind of wanted Paige to get fired from the job. Just the way I once wanted her to get high with me at the college fair or shoplift CDs in high school. It's like I needed Paige to come down to my loser level. It is no easy thing to admit - who would want to do that to someone they love? I did a horrible thing toward Paige – I almost crushed her career before it was even started. I know that she will come around and achieve whatever she sets her mind to, but it doesn't excuse my behavior. I'm a terrible person.<p>

So I sit here in the Ravine in the middle of the night with a million of regrets – for failing Paige, for almost hitting her when we had that stupid fight at her job. For a second I almost turned into what I hate the most. The thought is so terrifying that I can't even think about it without crumbling inside. I have made a disaster out of everything in my life – school, Jay, Amy, Rick and what he did, my mom... Hey, I even failed as a stripper, now who can beat that?

It was terrifying to strip. Every time I went on stage at Zanzibar I thought I would puke. I get why some of the other girls at the strip club turned to coke and other drugs. If you were high on stage there might have been a chance of forgetting all the eyes on you. It's like those eyes never left you afterwards, like they followed you everywhere you went. I felt naked and paranoid for a long time after I stopped working at Zanzibar. I still do. When I was the most paranoid I didn't even dare to leave Paige's bed. It was hard on me knowing that all of Paige's friends knew that I had been stripping. It made me feel extremely cheap around them. Marco seemed to assume that I had done more than just stripping and I did almost sell myself when I worked there. Thankfully, I lost my temper instead of being tempted by the offer. Selling yourself is easier than you would think… When I was around nine, my mom dated this bitter old military guy who always made me say things like 'I'm a shitty little brat' for a couple of bucks. I hated him with all my heart, but I wanted the money so I did it. It felt like I had sold my soul afterwards.

I miss my mom even more than I miss Paige. I haven't spoken to her since I left her after our big fight. It was stupid of me to give her an ultimatum. She has always chosen her boyfriends over me - paying for Chad's bail with the money I earned from Zanzibar instead of taking care of the debt that was too much for me. It was so typical of her to just assume that I could magically make more money materialize out of my mysterious job. When I finally told her about the stripping she was depressingly calm about the fact that her daughter took her clothes off in front of strangers. I think that she would have been okay with it if I had continued to support her and Chad by working as a stripper.

Still, it feels like I am betraying my mom by leaving her like this. Even though mom eventually got a deal/loan with social services to pay the rent and the debt, I doubt she will ever be able to fully pay it back with Chad around her. Eventually, she might even get evicted. But I can't think about that. Mom made her choice and it is her mess to deal with. If I start to think about my mom getting thrown out on the street I will go crazy. Maybe rob a bank or two… I have taken care of her my whole life – it's very hard to let that go.

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><p>So, I am sitting here alone in the Ravine and the first rays of morning sun are hitting this dirty old place. I had totally forgot how amazingly beautiful the morning hours can be. It's a new day.<p>

For the first time in my life I am truly alone. I have no one to take care of and no one is taking care of me. It is a feeling that scares the living shit out of me but at the same time it's strangely liberating. There is no one to define me but myself. Move forward. One step at a time.

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><p>To be continued in "Chapter 2. - Paige...<p> 


End file.
